you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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