wanna go halves on a baby?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
