Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
