Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
