My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
