no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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