While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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