Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
