some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
