I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
