I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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