I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
