a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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