Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
