can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
