i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
