I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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