He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
