I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
