Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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