i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
