True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
