I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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