I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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