Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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