cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
