On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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