Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
