Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
