Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
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I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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