Please, let me fuck your mom
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
