fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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