He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
