I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
