when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
third nipple confirmed
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
