If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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