the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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