my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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