I'm so fucking centered right now
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
