he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
