weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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