OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Someone came in the potted fern
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
