Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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