Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
