OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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