Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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