I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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