Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
