Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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