I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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