I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
