just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
A bitchslap is in order.
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