it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
