Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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