You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
