dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
