Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
